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My dearest Lawn,

Let me start by saying that this letter is going to be a bit hard for me to write. You are just going have to bear with me as I pour my heart out for you here.

You and I have had a lot of memories together, some good, like when I first moved in and you looked all nice and pretty for a few weeks and some not so good, like when I backed over the cord to my electric mower, several times.

But I have something to tell you…Something you may not want to hear, but I think that I better get it out now before you start to pick up on things. We have decided to move…And I need to be honest with you that you are a big part of the reason we are leaving. I know its a hard thing to hear but I am just tired of the Saturday dates you demand that we have and the brown spots you always seem to sprout up after I don’t spend enough time with you. Quite frankly I think that you are an emotional wreck and I just can’t handle you in my life anymore. You need someone who is willing to spend the time and money it takes to make you happy and I am not it.

Then there are the other things about you that I have started to learn like that Americans pour as much as 238 gallons of water per person, per day on you to keep you healthy. Or that there are a total of 40 million acres of land dedicated to you (not you personally but you and your friends). The other thing I heard was that 800 million gallons of gas gets burned in lawnmowers every year just to make sure that your hair is cut and you look all pretty. And the worst by far is when I heard that your clippings make up the single largest crop in this country. That is simply unacceptable.

For me I have to admit that I never really cared for the time we spent together. After doing some soul searching I can see that I took care of you because of what my neighbors thought about me, and the self help books I got at the library say that caring for someone because of what others think of you is not healthy.

So I am taking a step in my life for me. I am finally doing what I should have done a long time ago. I am moving away from you and going to a place where I do not have to take care of you (or any of your friends).

So this is goodbye. I don’t want to sound mean but just writing this letter is making me feel more free from your chains and emotional baggage.

I wish the best for you and hope that you are more kind to the next unfortunate individual who is responsible for taking care of you…

Sincerely,

Levi Benkert